The Hollow Lamp

ako na si level_two.

So its come to this. In a way I guess I needed this to happen. Change is always scary; a fresh start won't do me a bit of harm anyway.

To keep myself from falling apart, I'm cutting it off with her. No more expectations. No more hope. We'll be just 'friends' --whether I keep it as a euphemism for something we wanted to pretend will forever happen or something real, I don't think I'm in a position to care for now. *sigh* I feel.

Heavy and Weightless.

I'm a vase falling from the fifteen hundredth floor. I'm spilling stagnant water and plastic flowers. Running straight spiral with an earth standard gravity of 9.8 meters per second square, I am death to anyone and anything down below I know; the least I can give to a decently paved asphalt road is a mild chipping. But I'm weightless too. I might as well be flying upward.

And yes, I should at least enjoy the ride until reincarnation finds me again.

Its an overused metaphor, Death, but its the only thing I can say about my condition. That and the Unbearable Lightness of Being's discussions on Vertigo. The longing to fall, the temptation to give in. It sounds so negative and foul but as I'm currently following the idea I see the wisdom of it. The Falling doesn't hurt. It is a carnival ride. It'll only sting when it stops; the pain might just even be imagined.

The point is I fall.

Would it matter if I was pushed, clumsily nudged on the ledge, whimsically dropped? It seems irrelevant. Looking back would mean regret and you can't regret falling off a ledge. You're already on your way down anyway.

So there. I'll probably still check this LJ every once in a while but this is going to be the last real post I'll be putting up in here. I'll create a new account if I have time and when I feel like it and when I get tired of the drama of saying goodbye and decide to start saying hi to people again.

Before I go, many thanks to the people who helped. Wiji, Hannah, Igan Denise and his Olivierre (tama ba spelling?), Corpse, Ate Mara, Nikita, Nike, My mum Irma, Becky, Tanya, Pando, Bert, Huey, Ankie and Danny Boy, Karina, even Big Sky Mind people and Seventy Seven, Tomato Kick, and everyone else I forgot to mention.

...And look! There's my exit! Bye!

There are times I just want to disappear. We sort of talked yesterday and. there. I told her I feel my feeling for her slipping away.

I told her she fucked me up real good.

And yes, her going out with hank the Big Sky bartender isn't really helping me. I hate myself when I'm jealous. Its like last year all over again. I hate it. I hate it so very very much.

I promised her I won't leave. If I have to break a promise for my own good, so be it. I won't be too much of a good friend to her if I'm constantly psycho.

hnn.

So I talked to becky a while ago and now I feel the familiar pangs of despair. I've invested so much in the relationship but I guess. I guess it's not really going to work now. Friends. Friends.

Friends. It sounds like a very very bad euphemism.

God what I would give to just end this.

So. I'm having a little lucid nightmare before christmas. Now where the fuck is jack?

I woke up with a bit of clarity at the sides of my eyes today. Its something to do with drinking in my car with my Pasig friends. While its a little early to tell, I think at the very least I'm doing fine. I'm trying not to think about it; and I'm certainly getting the hang of it.

I guess it comes with the territory. I should be doing something so I won't be thinking about it the whole time. I should be driving, drawing, drinking, chilling with her, thawing with the crew, finding new friends. I'm not one for isolation or meditation--it gets my head mangled more often than not--but at least yesterday's musings with Pando helped me get a better grasp on things.

The trick is to not think. Its a fresh start. I'm single again, and I'm going out with the ex. And good God that sounds mighty kinky.

Things will work out. It always does.

A downed balloon.
I don't know if I'm thankful for being so light, or if I'm annoyed that I've deflated, that I'm on the ground. I feel out of my element yet at the same time, I can't help but feel the tug of the inevitable. Its not good, its not bad. It feels familiar.

When I'm on a roll I don't like to stop and rest a bit because chances are I'll just get lazy and stop. Maybe I should risk it. Maybe. Maybe I should stop saying maybe and just fucking go.

Fucking go.
Something I yelled at the scene of an accident a few hours ago because I thought the car ahead of me was gawking at the steaming wreck of a taxi, a jeep and a bleeding girl. Apparently the car ahead of that car was a taxi with people assisting the wounded.

Like I said. Light. Weight.

I have a horrible cough and a dab of fever and my body mends more surely than my spirits.

At least I know what to do now. In any case, I'm good. Many many thanks to the people who helped. :)

I figured today went smoothly. I went to sterten and worked. I got there a little late because I commuted. All was cold and nippy. I hate it now.

There were times when I wanted to text Monique good morning and good afternoon, just random crap. But I held myself and told myself texting her won't really help her. It'll only confuse her and me. So I didn't. I thought if I trained myself to not text her I won't miss her.

Then she texted me a random hug. And I hugged back. My reciprocation was cold and stupid. And I was completely unsatisfied. I know its wrong but I thought 'I'm training myself'. Then I carried on. THen I couldn't help it. I texted a kiss on the cheek. And she replied with a meow. And then a glimmer of hope sprang up. So I missed her some more.

And then about a few hours ago I texted her good night. And then called her. I didn't get an answer from either of them so I guess she's out somewhere. I tried not to get worried and I got away with that a bit. But then I suddenly miss her. I want to take her out tomorrow for ice cream or something so I tried calling again, no one answered. I guess she's really having fun. Which is good. She needs fun.

Its all good. But I messed up my training real bad. Now I'm in a horrible fix. And I miss her. I just miss her so much. Its cold and I hate it.

Hannah, I'm really sorry. I guess I'm sensationalizing again and I'm thinking of myself again and I know I'll feel stupid after I post this but I can't help it. I really miss Monique.

Stupid Hope.

Haaargh.

There. Better.
Much waterworks but well. Better. My GOD I hate being like this in the holidays. I mean, what is it about christmas that makes everything seem bigger than it actually is? Anyway, thanks to everyone who gave me the proverbial pat in the back.

I still get a few bursts of it now and then but well, that's how it is for me. At least the intervals come farther apart now. I'm off to have lunch now, bye bye. :)

and hmm. I gotta dig up my paper journals.

And at this fucking time again too. Its like someone's playing me for a goddamn fool. Well. Here cometh the angry phase.

hnh.

Why must happiness be snatched from me again? Ewan. Tangina naman ang drama ko talaga. Haha. Letse.

damn it.

God damn it all.

I hate feeling like this, being like this. My head isn't empty, i'm thinking of her every other hour or minute.

I'm sorry friends i just feel really lousy. I'm just really afraid.

COMBAT CARDS 2.1

watch hesukristo fight

CREATE YOUR CARD

Because the democracy told me to get busy.

ah. well that explains it.

I think I've finally become the thing I most hate. DUM DUM DUM! a psycho ex.

Yessiree bob, its finally happened. I've snapped. Well. Sort of. I kind of figured I already snapped waaaay before little star signed the contracts. Anyway. Its kind of complicated to tell the story of my latest shenanigan. Needless to say the week has been pretty much a bummer for her because I almost always end up saying sorry because of some random tear jerking jerk off deed or an utterly assholic comment or slip up.

Of course I'll wait for her and of course I'll trust her. I don't want to scare her off and do a repeat of what happened last year. Um. Yeah. *grin* Man, that was a fiasco.

I do miss her and I do love her, that's why I wait. And I don't really feel like going out with anyone else anyway.

*sigh*

...I also feel sad, confused, un-hot, utterly ugly, weird. Hmm. Objective mode after a bout of jerkiness and psycho exiness. Its times like these that I just want to really wish I had a power switch, or if I had some piece of hardware I could blame it too like say, "I'm sorry, it was my hard disk. The partition drive (F) managed to fuck itself up by a random trojan thingy. Fancy that. Anyway not my fault." Thing is we don't get that (yet at least. probably within the next ten years peoples' brains will be deemed wetware. Another decade and then it'll be hardware).

I don't know why I'm like this. I mean, it was my decision to wait for her, promises were hurled and verbal contracts were signed with sacred pinkies.

I'm just not good with waiting maybe? Impatient?

I don't know. How would you react when you're in my position? Its a tad complicated really; I mean I tried typing the gist of it but it just ended up with her looking like the villain. I have a tendency to do that I've been told, so I just pressed shift and up a few times and typed this whole new thing you're reading now.

Its 6:25 and I'm not the least bit sleepy. Tired I guess, and worried that she may be pissed. She also says I worry too much and I think she's right. I've observed she's been right about a lot of things and I'm kind of glad I have her as a guide. Well. I don't kind of have her have her. Well I have her as a friend. I believe we're dating now--not necessarily together anyway, she's going out with people.

So well.

I don't know.

Confududdled. Undead. Axe. Head. Random words which actually mean something to me.

so. I'm Peter today, the rock, the skeptic. He who sunk as Jesus asked him to walk the waves with him. Peter the uncool who's ass almost sunk because he did not trust.

I don't want to be Peter. I want to be Peeper. Peeper Mutuc. Its sad that I can't be him right now but again, nothing to do but wait until she gives it to me.


I hated how I felt at Bigsky. People were there and I sort of invited myself to the birthday shindig she went to. I felt lonely and weird. What was I doing there, I told myself? Milking the moment of course, I still wanted her company. Earlier that day we were in megamall, riding motorized animals and kicking her ass in air hockey and wandering toy kingdom.

So. Now. I wonder why I don't feel so sleepy?

I'm tired but I can't really quit. Times I want to and those times I really let the waterworks run. I'm tired but I can't really quit. Because she promised and I should trust.

She said I should trust people more.

Why is it I can only write when something bad or tragic happens? I hate it. WE DEMAND MORE HAPPY POSTS MISTER MUTUC! (said the worms in the monster tummy)

FINE. I'll try my freakin' best.

*stoopid worms. gottagetme sum wormicide or somethin'

Well.

A.) I could choose to be cynical and bitter and be done with it already.

B.) Or. I could be sad and wait and see what happens and be there forever and ever because that's just the kind of fellow I am. *sigh*

I choose (B). well wow. Who could've guessed?

Sigh. I love her. I really do. And again, I cannot do a thing about it. anyway.

I wait in tartarus. *POETIQUE!*

Well. I guess there's one part in meself I can't really deny. Its helpful and it gives me at least more (if not better) perspectives on whatever it is I'm uber troubled with.

So. Without further ado.

*bow*

Lets-a-geddit-own.

There is a very very very noisy man behind me. I want to hurt him so very very badly. I know i'M noisy but DAMN that voice. That horrible infernal pitch and tone. Dismemberment I say.

Oh. well. He's gone now. :D

In other news:
I'll try my bestest not to be too much of a pain in the ass my love, I know I can be such a psycho boyfriend sometimes and really, I just need helping calming down. Fights are good when you discover something new about yourself. Thank you. *hug*

and to mister corpus, I apolojahz for being such a prick. Thank you for just bearing with me and not mauling me with your uber fantastico bear claws (wheat tea!) when I most deserved it.

*bows*

I'm good na. I'm just watching a friend getting his ass handed to him on a silver platter in DOTA.

And the joy they bring.

:D

My hands have never trembled so much. I'm really thinking of something bad. Am I that paranoid now? what the fuck is happening to me? oooh she sounded pissed over the phone. What would she do to me now?

(mister mutuc this is the most pathetic post you have ever written. well. aside from that other major 'angry' post you wrote. revise this pls.)

Its such a corny title. I'm such a Dad. HAHA! DAMN!

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Monday I was a toy,

Now its 3 in the morning and she's nowhere to be found. Sure she's there when I called corpse but that wasn't her. That was just corpse immitating her. Its actually pretty funny, that's how she sounds when she's drunk. :))

HILARIOUS! OH man. *cries*

yeah. and I called her-sorry-him kanina and yeah, she's always on her way home. Or he is. I dunno. Its probably a game or something.

I'm just about this close to quitting the game, so far I thought we were both on a winning streak. This is pathetic.

I'm a boyfriend who's pretending to be a dad who's trying hard to be a boyfriend again who doesn't know what to fucking do anything right at all. I'm not doing anything right anyway.

I'm really really afraid of you right now.

In the bathroom with a cold face, that's the ticket. :D

. . .

Oh man. I'm really going to regret writing this but its just how I feel right now. And afterwards, I'll probably, hopefully get some sleep. Besides 'I don't need to say sorry because its a reaction' right? Allergies don't say sorry. haha. *ubo*

Tell me what to do please. I've suddenly run into a god damn cliff.