The Hollow Lamp

new address

2006-12-22T12:07:46Z

ako na si level_two.

la morte

2006-12-20T19:56:32Z

So its come to this. In a way I guess I needed this to happen. Change is always scary; a fresh start won't do me a bit of harm anyway.

To keep myself from falling apart, I'm cutting it off with her. No more expectations. No more hope. We'll be just 'friends' --whether I keep it as a euphemism for something we wanted to pretend will forever happen or something real, I don't think I'm in a position to care for now. *sigh* I feel.

Heavy and Weightless.

I'm a vase falling from the fifteen hundredth floor. I'm spilling stagnant water and plastic flowers. Running straight spiral with an earth standard gravity of 9.8 meters per second square, I am death to anyone and anything down below I know; the least I can give to a decently paved asphalt road is a mild chipping. But I'm weightless too. I might as well be flying upward.

And yes, I should at least enjoy the ride until reincarnation finds me again.

Its an overused metaphor, Death, but its the only thing I can say about my condition. That and the Unbearable Lightness of Being's discussions on Vertigo. The longing to fall, the temptation to give in. It sounds so negative and foul but as I'm currently following the idea I see the wisdom of it. The Falling doesn't hurt. It is a carnival ride. It'll only sting when it stops; the pain might just even be imagined.

The point is I fall.

Would it matter if I was pushed, clumsily nudged on the ledge, whimsically dropped? It seems irrelevant. Looking back would mean regret and you can't regret falling off a ledge. You're already on your way down anyway.

So there. I'll probably still check this LJ every once in a while but this is going to be the last real post I'll be putting up in here. I'll create a new account if I have time and when I feel like it and when I get tired of the drama of saying goodbye and decide to start saying hi to people again.

Before I go, many thanks to the people who helped. Wiji, Hannah, Igan Denise and his Olivierre (tama ba spelling?), Corpse, Ate Mara, Nikita, Nike, My mum Irma, Becky, Tanya, Pando, Bert, Huey, Ankie and Danny Boy, Karina, even Big Sky Mind people and Seventy Seven, Tomato Kick, and everyone else I forgot to mention.

...And look! There's my exit! Bye!

hayym. choices.

2006-12-20T13:06:56Z

There are times I just want to disappear. We sort of talked yesterday and. there. I told her I feel my feeling for her slipping away.

I told her she fucked me up real good.

And yes, her going out with hank the Big Sky bartender isn't really helping me. I hate myself when I'm jealous. Its like last year all over again. I hate it. I hate it so very very much.

I promised her I won't leave. If I have to break a promise for my own good, so be it. I won't be too much of a good friend to her if I'm constantly psycho.

hnn.

So I talked to becky a while ago and now I feel the familiar pangs of despair. I've invested so much in the relationship but I guess. I guess it's not really going to work now. Friends. Friends.

Friends. It sounds like a very very bad euphemism.

God what I would give to just end this.

Where the hell is Jack?!?

2006-12-20T12:31:49Z

So. I'm having a little lucid nightmare before christmas. Now where the fuck is jack?

About a Nippy Node of Numbness

2006-12-18T06:01:12Z

I woke up with a bit of clarity at the sides of my eyes today. Its something to do with drinking in my car with my Pasig friends. While its a little early to tell, I think at the very least I'm doing fine. I'm trying not to think about it; and I'm certainly getting the hang of it.

I guess it comes with the territory. I should be doing something so I won't be thinking about it the whole time. I should be driving, drawing, drinking, chilling with her, thawing with the crew, finding new friends. I'm not one for isolation or meditation--it gets my head mangled more often than not--but at least yesterday's musings with Pando helped me get a better grasp on things.

The trick is to not think. Its a fresh start. I'm single again, and I'm going out with the ex. And good God that sounds mighty kinky.

Things will work out. It always does.

Being Lightweight

2006-12-17T05:33:27Z

A downed balloon.
I don't know if I'm thankful for being so light, or if I'm annoyed that I've deflated, that I'm on the ground. I feel out of my element yet at the same time, I can't help but feel the tug of the inevitable. Its not good, its not bad. It feels familiar.

When I'm on a roll I don't like to stop and rest a bit because chances are I'll just get lazy and stop. Maybe I should risk it. Maybe. Maybe I should stop saying maybe and just fucking go.

Fucking go.
Something I yelled at the scene of an accident a few hours ago because I thought the car ahead of me was gawking at the steaming wreck of a taxi, a jeep and a bleeding girl. Apparently the car ahead of that car was a taxi with people assisting the wounded.

Like I said. Light. Weight.

Of Sickness and Enlightenment

2006-12-12T07:39:45Z

I have a horrible cough and a dab of fever and my body mends more surely than my spirits.

At least I know what to do now. In any case, I'm good. Many many thanks to the people who helped. :)

A Pathetic Discussion About Missing Someone

2006-12-07T18:30:46Z

I figured today went smoothly. I went to sterten and worked. I got there a little late because I commuted. All was cold and nippy. I hate it now.

There were times when I wanted to text Monique good morning and good afternoon, just random crap. But I held myself and told myself texting her won't really help her. It'll only confuse her and me. So I didn't. I thought if I trained myself to not text her I won't miss her.

Then she texted me a random hug. And I hugged back. My reciprocation was cold and stupid. And I was completely unsatisfied. I know its wrong but I thought 'I'm training myself'. Then I carried on. THen I couldn't help it. I texted a kiss on the cheek. And she replied with a meow. And then a glimmer of hope sprang up. So I missed her some more.

And then about a few hours ago I texted her good night. And then called her. I didn't get an answer from either of them so I guess she's out somewhere. I tried not to get worried and I got away with that a bit. But then I suddenly miss her. I want to take her out tomorrow for ice cream or something so I tried calling again, no one answered. I guess she's really having fun. Which is good. She needs fun.

Its all good. But I messed up my training real bad. Now I'm in a horrible fix. And I miss her. I just miss her so much. Its cold and I hate it.

Hannah, I'm really sorry. I guess I'm sensationalizing again and I'm thinking of myself again and I know I'll feel stupid after I post this but I can't help it. I really miss Monique.

Stupid Hope.

Uber Elixir

2006-12-07T05:54:35Z

Haaargh.

There. Better.
Much waterworks but well. Better. My GOD I hate being like this in the holidays. I mean, what is it about christmas that makes everything seem bigger than it actually is? Anyway, thanks to everyone who gave me the proverbial pat in the back.

I still get a few bursts of it now and then but well, that's how it is for me. At least the intervals come farther apart now. I'm off to have lunch now, bye bye. :)

and hmm. I gotta dig up my paper journals.

About Going Through This AGAIN

2006-12-03T16:36:14Z

And at this fucking time again too. Its like someone's playing me for a goddamn fool. Well. Here cometh the angry phase.

hnh.

Why must happiness be snatched from me again? Ewan. Tangina naman ang drama ko talaga. Haha. Letse.

damn it.

God damn it all.

I hate feeling like this, being like this. My head isn't empty, i'm thinking of her every other hour or minute.

I'm sorry friends i just feel really lousy. I'm just really afraid.

hesukristo @ 2006-12-03T09:05:00

2006-12-03T09:05:50Z

COMBAT CARDS 2.1

watch hesukristo fight

CREATE YOUR CARD

Because the democracy told me to get busy.

hesukristo @ 2006-12-02T23:17:00

2006-12-02T23:17:28Z

ah. well that explains it.

psycho exes

2006-12-02T22:41:29Z

I think I've finally become the thing I most hate. DUM DUM DUM! a psycho ex.

Yessiree bob, its finally happened. I've snapped. Well. Sort of. I kind of figured I already snapped waaaay before little star signed the contracts. Anyway. Its kind of complicated to tell the story of my latest shenanigan. Needless to say the week has been pretty much a bummer for her because I almost always end up saying sorry because of some random tear jerking jerk off deed or an utterly assholic comment or slip up.

Of course I'll wait for her and of course I'll trust her. I don't want to scare her off and do a repeat of what happened last year. Um. Yeah. *grin* Man, that was a fiasco.

I do miss her and I do love her, that's why I wait. And I don't really feel like going out with anyone else anyway.

*sigh*

...I also feel sad, confused, un-hot, utterly ugly, weird. Hmm. Objective mode after a bout of jerkiness and psycho exiness. Its times like these that I just want to really wish I had a power switch, or if I had some piece of hardware I could blame it too like say, "I'm sorry, it was my hard disk. The partition drive (F) managed to fuck itself up by a random trojan thingy. Fancy that. Anyway not my fault." Thing is we don't get that (yet at least. probably within the next ten years peoples' brains will be deemed wetware. Another decade and then it'll be hardware).

I don't know why I'm like this. I mean, it was my decision to wait for her, promises were hurled and verbal contracts were signed with sacred pinkies.

I'm just not good with waiting maybe? Impatient?

I don't know. How would you react when you're in my position? Its a tad complicated really; I mean I tried typing the gist of it but it just ended up with her looking like the villain. I have a tendency to do that I've been told, so I just pressed shift and up a few times and typed this whole new thing you're reading now.

Its 6:25 and I'm not the least bit sleepy. Tired I guess, and worried that she may be pissed. She also says I worry too much and I think she's right. I've observed she's been right about a lot of things and I'm kind of glad I have her as a guide. Well. I don't kind of have her have her. Well I have her as a friend. I believe we're dating now--not necessarily together anyway, she's going out with people.

So well.

I don't know.

Confududdled. Undead. Axe. Head. Random words which actually mean something to me.

so. I'm Peter today, the rock, the skeptic. He who sunk as Jesus asked him to walk the waves with him. Peter the uncool who's ass almost sunk because he did not trust.

I don't want to be Peter. I want to be Peeper. Peeper Mutuc. Its sad that I can't be him right now but again, nothing to do but wait until she gives it to me.

I hated how I felt at Bigsky. People were there and I sort of invited myself to the birthday shindig she went to. I felt lonely and weird. What was I doing there, I told myself? Milking the moment of course, I still wanted her company. Earlier that day we were in megamall, riding motorized animals and kicking her ass in air hockey and wandering toy kingdom.

So. Now. I wonder why I don't feel so sleepy?

I'm tired but I can't really quit. Times I want to and those times I really let the waterworks run. I'm tired but I can't really quit. Because she promised and I should trust.

She said I should trust people more.

Y Y Y

2006-12-01T05:50:52Z

Why is it I can only write when something bad or tragic happens? I hate it. WE DEMAND MORE HAPPY POSTS MISTER MUTUC! (said the worms in the monster tummy)

FINE. I'll try my freakin' best.

*stoopid worms. gottagetme sum wormicide or somethin'

Eight Months

2006-11-30T08:37:19Z

Well.

A.) I could choose to be cynical and bitter and be done with it already.

B.) Or. I could be sad and wait and see what happens and be there forever and ever because that's just the kind of fellow I am. *sigh*

I choose (B). well wow. Who could've guessed?

Sigh. I love her. I really do. And again, I cannot do a thing about it. anyway.

I wait in tartarus. *POETIQUE!*

hesukristo @ 2006-11-25T07:48:00

2006-11-25T07:48:11Z

Well. I guess there's one part in meself I can't really deny. Its helpful and it gives me at least more (if not better) perspectives on whatever it is I'm uber troubled with.

So. Without further ado.

*bow*

Lets-a-geddit-own.

About a boisterous little boil inside the internet cafe

2006-11-24T15:24:41Z

There is a very very very noisy man behind me. I want to hurt him so very very badly. I know i'M noisy but DAMN that voice. That horrible infernal pitch and tone. Dismemberment I say.

Oh. well. He's gone now. :D

In other news:
I'll try my bestest not to be too much of a pain in the ass my love, I know I can be such a psycho boyfriend sometimes and really, I just need helping calming down. Fights are good when you discover something new about yourself. Thank you. *hug*

and to mister corpus, I apolojahz for being such a prick. Thank you for just bearing with me and not mauling me with your uber fantastico bear claws (wheat tea!) when I most deserved it.

*bows*

I'm good na. I'm just watching a friend getting his ass handed to him on a silver platter in DOTA.

Regarding Tap Dancing Penguins

2006-11-24T06:03:00Z

And the joy they bring.

:D

Fear.

2006-11-22T19:35:28Z

My hands have never trembled so much. I'm really thinking of something bad. Am I that paranoid now? what the fuck is happening to me? oooh she sounded pissed over the phone. What would she do to me now?

(mister mutuc this is the most pathetic post you have ever written. well. aside from that other major 'angry' post you wrote. revise this pls.)

About Trying Your Best

2006-11-22T19:15:56Z

Its such a corny title. I'm such a Dad. HAHA! DAMN!

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Monday I was a toy,

Now its 3 in the morning and she's nowhere to be found. Sure she's there when I called corpse but that wasn't her. That was just corpse immitating her. Its actually pretty funny, that's how she sounds when she's drunk. :))

HILARIOUS! OH man. *cries*

yeah. and I called her-sorry-him kanina and yeah, she's always on her way home. Or he is. I dunno. Its probably a game or something.

I'm just about this close to quitting the game, so far I thought we were both on a winning streak. This is pathetic.

I'm a boyfriend who's pretending to be a dad who's trying hard to be a boyfriend again who doesn't know what to fucking do anything right at all. I'm not doing anything right anyway.

I'm really really afraid of you right now.

In the bathroom with a cold face, that's the ticket. :D

. . .

Oh man. I'm really going to regret writing this but its just how I feel right now. And afterwards, I'll probably, hopefully get some sleep. Besides 'I don't need to say sorry because its a reaction' right? Allergies don't say sorry. haha. *ubo*

Tell me what to do please. I've suddenly run into a god damn cliff.

Regarding Two-Headed 'Gifts'

2006-11-03T13:40:39Z

This could be the start of a particularly interesting holloween post. Well. I could try anyway, its really been a while since I wrote anything again. I think my last post was about a month or two ago; my pauses in between posts are getting longer, what the hell does that mean?

Anyway. let's talk about brownies. Brownies, are small, square fudge goodies capable of bringing smiles to even the most surly of men. Unless of course he's diabetic. Of course, if he's diabetic and his life is shit, he'll probably want a brownie. Maybe even a box or two. :D Before I get distracted again and segway into a totally different topic (Diabetes and Happiness Quotient of Middle-Aged, Middle Class Filipino Males) let me slowly guide you to my point.

If brownies are magical, then there's sure to be more happiness involved in the devouring of said goodie, yes? Well. Gabie's brownies (a decent porno movie title I'm sure of it) were certainly magical. Too magical in fact. By the time everyone's trips were done I was still thirty minutes away from peak. When the peak arrived, I was a foot away from my body, mumbling endlessly about how much I loved Monique, how afraid I was to die, and how I was apologizing to my mum whilst referring to her as 'misis Irma'. A most memorable night really.

I could attribute it all to a very bad trip but there were things my mum cited which really puzzled the both of us. First of all, everyone else's trip finished twenty minutes after the magic hit--mine lasted over two hours. And I don't think it doesn't say anywhere in any book that magic brownies mess up a man's temperature; I was fluctuating between cold-sweaty and hot-dry. It was certainly the most uncomfortable thing I have ever, ever experienced but I am, in retrospect, partly grateful for it.

For one it certainly affirmed a few more things I've been wondering at since I've garnered quite an interest in weird shit. Also, I don't think I'll be taking magic in brownie form, I'd rather go at it with a bong. I'll certainly not touch any of that chemical shit, think of what it'll do to me! I mean, Christ, that night I felt like diet-Linda Blair in the Exorcist. I sort of freaked Monique out and a few of my friends, worried my mum too but oh, don't worry. *pats world*

I mean there's a god in heaven and all's well with the world right?

Right?

A Discourse On Second Hand Retail

2006-10-17T04:58:08Z

Hmm. I went to Baguio with me folks last friday and went down sunday evening. Since vader was being all cybernetically wheezings-ful and pricky I had to drive. My god it was like a six-hour game of gran turismo where you can't crash the car because well, your parents would disown you. Or parent. I only have a mum now, Vader killed my dad. (Yes Obi Wan, you already told me that. Relax.)

ANYWAY. So. Six hour drive to baguio.

Before segwaying into a write up of why can't darth here just leave us alone I'd rather go first into what the ukay ukay up there in Baguio can teach a man. I've learned so far that I can actually bargain and that I do have taste. I mean dear god, you have here a mish mash of people-wear from military fatigues to wet suits (yes. Wet Suits) to loony bin jackets--you know the ones the magicians wear in escape artistry tricks. It is that random. Sure I could say something like, 'the ukay ukay is an exercise in focus'. Well. It is but I'd rather explore how the ukay ukay is an exercise in soulful alchemy.

You have on one side, a bunch of useless leaden things, briefs, underwear, one left sock and a random used Everready battery. On the other side you have shiny shirt thingies, pants, skirts and nifty boots. Since all of it's such a beautiful mess you perceive it all in glorious detail and technicolor and you get too drawn in to everything that the moment you see it all you almost immediately become turned off. 'Its too much' you say, but what of the world? You can't turn your senses off. Best you fine tune what you see, collect and then select what you feel you need. So um. yes. An exercise in focus indeed. (I kind of lost my point when I mentioned that soulful alchemy crap)

So. That was an obviously shoddy attempt to try to sound profound and spiritually touching.

*eherm*

well. I bought Monique a pair of lovely leather boots, long sleeves, a blouse and a neat, sleek black dress. :D I found myself a nice cool pair of long sleeves.

On our way back vader found it necessary to drown the coldness away with brandy, beer and some new drinking buddies; its alright. I'll be driving down anyway. I don't know why that ticks me off, I mean I enjoyed driving downhill.

The trip was uneventful, to say the least. The house we stayed in was comfortable enough. I'd say it was a lukewarm affair despite the nippy weather.

Ewan ko.

It could be that

2006-10-09T06:28:23Z

I just need to sink this obsenely large and rusted metal spink into the skull of someone called April who has been harassing Monique and her Mom for imagined trespasses. :)

I curse you with bone cancer, that all your children be kidnapped or ass-raped and your husband become waaaay more psychotic than he is now. I hope no one helps you. :)

Ah. well. that felt better.

In other news, I managed to finish a few illustrations for tomatokick already! HUZZAH! I just managed to buy inks for me a few days ago.

I hope Monique finishes her completion plate this week. I've been itching to see her na ulit e. I miss yooou bay-biiiii. *heart attacks*

a one sentence essay on the world.

2006-10-07T07:19:35Z

Humanity runs on batteries.

(Profound ano?!? SHET grabe ako lang nagisip niyan pramis. parang, uh. stork sa kilikili imbis na deodorant. Singlamig pero di singmahal.)

Huh.

2006-10-01T15:59:18Z

I think this is about the third entry with the title 'huh'. The others have question marks and exclamation points.

Well, anyway, I know I said there was going to be a part 2 but eh, the vice of sloth has me by the balls.

Last friday and saturday we managed to pull off stage one of WoD: The Shape of the World in Venice. Monique played a Promethean and I played an oldie vampire Nosferatu (Corpse and Jareck would remember Vittorio), Vittorio's sire in the guise of a little girl vampire, a supermodel member of the Guardians of the Veil Mage called Nada (Nothing in English).

Before that saturday evening game, mine beloved and I watched Dead or Alive. THE SHAME I know, but the lure of Devon Aoki was just too goddamned hard to resist. The movie was mind fuck and it did not disappoint us. We expected a B-movie and our expectations were certainly overarched; as in it was sooo bad we never bothered to come back since we came in the middle of the movie. The fight scenes despite being utterly bloodless were an okay thing, the plot was forgetable, the acting --will put a bullet in your head, the panty shots were nifty and the women cute. It was tasteful camp and while the movie certainly brought me back to them uber good super eighties camp trips with Hellraiser and Friday the Thirteenth and that old chinese dragonball movie thing I wouldn't touch that thing again. Horrible, it certainly was, and to quote the cutest, hottest geek I know: "Mindrape."

THERE! A hearty review of a B-Movie on a cool sunday night. What more could you ask for?

OH! review of the storm maybe. Well. Wait.
It did not necessarily turn tornado around our area; our house suffered minimal scratches from Milenyo and that was it. My room's a different story though. My inks are messed up and its going to take me awhile to get some materials again.

And Stupid Headed Me. We passed National Bookstore on our way to bring my brother to the bus station to Baguio and I didn't buy my materials. I am an absent minded ass.

Hmm. I could try making do with tech pen.

I still have ate Mara's Kickman illustrations to finish. Goddamn it, and I was rather excited to finish them this week. Hrr. I'll get inks tomorrow.

Anyway, that's it. My posts are a tad watered down these days (except the angsty ones. Goodness, those things are fucking toxic) because I have Monique as a human blog.

OH! And the family went to Chunky Far Flung to check on the exhibit and I managed to reprice my works from 500 cheapest to 800 most expensive. I feel better now.

Last bit of thing before log off, to everyone who received way more than just scratches from Milenyo take it from someone who was in Makati when it hit the hardest: Seeing trees and roofs fly and getting that car to rock in the heft of the hard wind I must say it was poetry in motion. I saw the friggin' shape of the wind in the rain.

And you have to admit maybe we needed that to remind us that we may be going to far, what with the billboards and everyone's increasing reliance on technology (the ATMs were down and everyone suddenly had no money. Huh.).

Try not to do that Babel thing again. I don't want my kids to drown. ;-)